How to deal with emotions in negotiations

Oct 17

You can’t stop emotions. You can’t ignore them. But you can transform them.

How often do emotions derail a discussion or negotiation?
All too often.

People stop listening. Voices rise. Or go silent. The deal stalls.

Or the opposite: a good laugh or a relaxed vibe suddenly opens space for creative solutions.

Emotions can mean the difference between quick resolution and never-ending discussion. They often make or break negotiations.

Ignoring them doesn’t work. We can’t stop having emotions any more than we can stop having thoughts.

The real skill? Spotting emotions – yours and theirs – and shifting them.

But directly confronting emotions is risky. It can spiral out of control.
The trick is to uncover why someone feels the way they do.

In their book “Beyond Reason”, Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro describe the five ‘core concerns’ driving emotions in negotiation:

appreciation (feeling valued)
affiliation (feeling connected)
autonomy (having a say)
status (being recognized)
role (having a meaningful part in the process).

I’m breaking down each one and share practical ways to turn negative emotions into positive ones – so you get better outcomes.

One side is explaining its position…
…the other interrupts.
A shouting match.
Not a discussion.

Tension in the room.
Progress stalls.

You’ve seen it, right?

The first side feels ignored, not valued, disrespected.
Negative emotions take over.
The brain gets stuck in them.
Rationality gone.

Easy to avoid. But with effort.

The basics: show APPRECIATION.

Three simple steps:

1. LISTEN for real.
Hear what they say, and why.
It's respect.
(and it gives you useful information)

2. FIND VALUE in what they say.
Look for it. You'll always find some.

3. SAY IT out loud.
Show you get their point.

It doesn’t weaken your position. It doesn’t mean agreeing.

It shows strength – as a person, as a negotiator.

Result (if sincere):
They feel valued, respected.
Rational discussions start.
Solutions, agreement, trust follow.

Try it in your next conversation.
Negotiation is too often seen as adversarial.
The other side is your “counter”part.
Someone to be beaten in the discussion.

That inevitably leads to tension, breakdowns, meltdowns.

It’s important to build connections beyond just the subject matter.
Look for what connects you to the other person.

Plenty of possibilities: any shared interest, a book, a movie, a holiday destination, a view on life, common acquaintances, a school, a trauma…

I (only recently!) started appreciating the value of small talk.
A tool to jump from topic to topic.
Till you find something you have in common.
And can then take the discussion to the next level.

It doesn’t mean the other party has to become a friend.
But creating connections humanizes the relationship.
It creates a safe place for when things get tough — because they will.

You’ll know that beyond the disagreements on a topic,
there’s another level in your relationship,
something shared,
where you feel AFFILIATED with the other.

It helps you move forward.
And be more successful in your negotiation.
We hate being told what to do.
Or what not to do.
We have a strong need for connection with others,
at home, with friends, at work.
Yet we resist when they make decisions for us.
Even the smallest ones.
The moment our AUTONOMY feels threatened, emotions run high.
Same in negotiations.
Say “this is how it should be”
and the other side shuts down.
Their autonomy feels challenged,
and they’ll resist,
no matter how reasonable your point is.
Instead, guide the conversations with tactical questions and subtle steering,
empowering the other side to feel ownership of the outcome.
When your target becomes their idea,
you’ve got a deal.
Try it out.
We all care about STATUS.
Even when we pretend we don’t.

Status shapes how others see us
and how we see ourselves.

When our status is ignored or put down,
we feel frustrated, angry.
And the discussion shuts down.

But status shouldn’t be a competition.
We don’t need to fight for who’s on top.

Status isn’t just about a title or position.
Or a big house, or a fancy car.

Each of us holds a ‘particular status’
what we know, what we’ve done, what we’re good at.

In negotiations, just as in any human interaction,
notice what gives the other side status,
a title,
life experience,
professional expertise,
values,
anything the other is really good at,
age,
connections
…

Acknowledge it.
Respect it.

At the same time, don’t let someone else’s status
diminish your own voice.

Respect theirs.
Express yours.
We all need a ROLE that feels meaningful.
A role where what we do makes sense,
and feels true to who we are.
When that’s missing, emotions take over.
We lose motivation.
We push back.
We resist.
It’s no different in negotiations.
If someone in the other side’s team feels they have no real role.
No purpose or value.
They disengage.
Worse, they may spoil the talks.
And progress stalls.
You can help.
Notice when the other side has no real place.
Find out what they’re good at,
what value they bring.
Then, discreetly, create space for them to contribute.
When people feel their role matters,
they open up.
They take ownership.
And talks move forward.

We looked at what drives the other person’s emotions in a negotiation context.

But what is the biggest obstacle to a successful negotiation?

You.

The hardest part is noticing your own emotions,
understanding what triggers them,
and how they can disrupt the discussion.

Next time you sense things are going off track,
make a quick SCAN of yourself.

Walk through the 5 core concerns that drive emotions:

Do I feel disrespected or not listened to? UNAPPRECIATED?
Do I feel no real connection with the other side? UNAFFILIATED?
Does it feel like the other one is taking all the decisions? Taking away my AUTONOMY?
Is my STATUS or expertise not recognized?
Do I feel lost in the meeting, as if I have no meaningful ROLE to play?

Understanding what triggered your emotion is the first step to managing it.

Take a step back.
See where it went wrong.
Refocus on what really matters and how to get there.
Then come back to the table, calm and constructive.

And drive your negotiations successfully.